Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Burn Notice

I found the following while browsing the forums at rpg.net.



Here's the rules: Take any media, and filter it through the lens of the Burn Notice Intro. Like so:

"My name is Eddie Valiant. I used to be a PI until.."

"We got a toon notice on you. You're blacklisted."

*whistle*

"When you're tooned, you've got nothing. No cash, No jobs, and you're stuck in whatever section of Toontown they decide to drop you in. You do whatever work comes your way. You rely on anyone who's still talking to you...

A barkeeping girlfriend, A crazy toon cab... Roger too, if you're desperate. Bottom line, until you find out who tooned you, you're not going anywhere."

So, what can you come up with?

(by Wraithstrike)



This is SG-1, open the iris!

Sorry Colonel, we got a lock notice on you, you're blacklisted.

When you're locked, you're stuck on any planet Stargate Command decides to stick you on. No backup, No DHD. You'll do whatever jobs come your way. You'll rely on anyone who's still talking to you. Two super brains, a Jaffa who used to work for the enemy...an ex-thief former Goa'uld host too...if you're desperate.

Bottom line, until you find out who locked you down, you're not going anywhere.

(by Jack)



My name's Spike. I used to be the Slayer of Slayers.

(We got a chip notice on you. You've been blacklisted.)

When you're chipped, you've got nothing. No cash, no credit, and you're stuck in whatever Hellmouth they decide to stick you in. You do whatever jobs come your way, you rely on whomever's still talking to you. Annoying Slayer, stuffy watcher, cute lesbian witch.

Bottom line, when you're chipped you're not going anywhere.

(by Kirayoshi)



My name is Robinson Crusoe. I used to be a lawyer until...

(wakes up on beach) "Where am I?"

When you're marooned, you've got nothing. No cash, no jobs, and you're stuck on whatever deserted island you washed up on. You do whatever work comes your way. You rely on anyone who's still talking to you...

A talking parrot.

Your native guide Friday, who may be informing on you to the cannibals...

Bottom line: until you build a boat, you're not going anywhere.

(by JonAcheson)



"The name's Mal Reynolds. I used to be a captain until.."

"We got a black notice on your ship. You're grounded."

*gorramit*

"When you're grounded, you got nothing. No plat, no jobs, and you're stuck in whatever speck of the Verse they decide to drop you on. You do whatever work comes your way. You rely on anyone who's still talking to you... A Companion girlfriend, a scatterbrain reader... Jayne too, if you're desperate.

Bottom line, until you find out who grounded you, you ain't going nowhere."

(by Varyar)



My name is Arthur Dent. I used to be an Earthman until...

"We've got a construction notice. We're blowing up your planet for a hyperspace bypass."

When your planet is blown up, you've got nothing. No cash, no jobs, and you're stuck in whatever spaceship they decide to drop you in. You rely on your towel and anyone still talking to you..

An old almost-girlfriend, a couple of hitchhikers. Robots too, if you're desperate.

Bottom line is, until the mice finish building Earth 2, there's no going home.

(by Copernicus)



My name is Captain Jack. I used to be a Time Agent until

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You're a fixed point in time."

When you're fixed, you've got nothing. No money, no credit, no job history. You're stuck wherever the Doctor drops you off at.

"Where am I?"

"Cardiff."

You do whatever work comes your way. You rely on anyone who is still talking to you. Righteous Ex-Cop. Butler with the hots for you. Nosey ex-companions too, if you're desperate.

As long as you're fixed, you're not going anywhere.

(by Peter Svensson)



My name is Aragorn. I was a Ranger of the North until...

[Elrond's voice] "A Black Notice is upon thee, son of Arathorn. The Lidless Eye seeks the Heir of Elendil. You are welcome here no more."

[Cutscene of Aragorn leaving Rivendell.]

When a Black Notice is out for you, you have nothing. No wealth, no allies, no lineage. You must take on a new name. You must remain where you are, else the Shadow will find you...

"What is this place?"

[Cutscenes of the Shire, Bree, rain, mud, Peter Jackson eating a carrot.]

[Gandalf's voice] "Welcome... to the Shire!"

You must rely on any who will speak to you. A ex-girlfriend...

[Cutscene of Arwen drawing her sword and shouting "If you want him, come and take him!']

... an old... flame.

[Cutscene of Gandalf shouting "Flame of Ud√Ľn!" and igniting his sword.]

You do whatever work comes your way...

[Cutscene of Aragorn and Gandalf feeling their way through the muck-covered tunnel under Smaug's cavern... a crouched, feral Gollum looking up with them with baleful eyes and saying "My Precious...?"]

Bottom line is... when a Black Notice is upon you, you shall not pass.

(by Jason D)



"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die."

"Stop saying that! You're blacklisted."

*whistle*

"When you're stopped, you've got nothing. No father, no revenge, and you're stuck in whatever part of Florin the Guards decide to drop you in. You do whatever work comes your way.

You rely on anyone who's still talking to you... A giant turk, a Sicilian genius... Dread Pirate Roberts too, if you're desperate.

Bottom line, until you find out who stopped you, you're not going anywhere."

(by Canoy)



My name is Logan. I used to be the best there is at what I do. Until....

[Cut scene of Magneto pulling out all his adamantium]

When ya got no adamantium on yer bones, yer kinda boned, bub. Can't cut through everything with the claws, can't bounce bullets off the ol' Canuckle-head. Yer stuck with plain ol' bone.

Ya do whatever y' can manage - cut out the soft parts a people, that sorta thing. Spend a lot more time healing wounds that wouldn'ta happened in the first place if not for, y'know. And ya rely on whoever stuck around with ya.

An overbearing team leader...

[Cyclops] No, Logan, I can't just shoot them!

...a firework-spewing kid yer irrationally attached to...

[Jubilee] You know SHIELD agents - buncha bitchy little girls.
[Logan] Thought I told you not to be usin' language like that?

...Gambit, too. If yer desperate.

Bottom line, 'til you get the ol' adamantium back, yer kinda nerfed.

(by Lee Casebolt)



My name is Lucifer Morningstar. I used to be an angel until...

"God hath withdrawn his grace from thee. Thou art Fallen."

When you fall from Grace, you've got nothing. No flaming sword, no wings, no choirs. You're stuck in whatever aspect of Creation they decide to dump you in.

Lucifer: "Where am I?"

Lilith: "Why, this is hell, nor am I out of it."

You do whatever tasks come your way. You rely on any being who's still talking to you. A sin-intoxicated shedevil.

Lilith: "Shall we tempt them?"

A bitchy old friend that may be informing on you to the Hosts of Heaven.

Mephistopheles: "You know the Archangels. Bunch of bitchy little girls."

Family too...if you're desperate.

Jesus*: "Some people need your help, Lucifer."

Bottom line, as long as you've Fallen from Grace with God, you're not going anywhere.

*I was raised Mormon for a while.

(by DannyK)



My name is Sauron. I used to be a Dark Lord. Until...

Gandalf: "We got a ring notice on you. You're overthrown."

When you're overthrown, you've got nothing: no rings of power, no orc minions, no Nazgul. You're stuck in whatever dark tower they decide to dump you in.

Sauron: Where am I?
Shelob: Minas Morgul.

You do whatever villainy comes your way. You rely on anyone who's still talking to you. A web-slinging ex-girlfriend...

Shelob: Shall we impregnate them with our stingers?

An old friend who used to inform on you to the Valar...

Saruman: You know elves... bunch of bitchy little girls.

Family too...

Saruman: [palantir hums] Hey, is that your Balrog again?

... if you're desperate.

Wormtongue: Some trolls needs your menacing reputation, Sauron!

Bottom line? Until you figure out who threw that ring into the Cracks of Doom... you're not going anywhere.

(by Glyptodont)



My name is Luke. I used to be a moisture farmer until...

Obi-Wan: Looks like there's a burn notice on you and your family.

*whistles*

When your family is burned in the middle of a desert, you got nothin. No money. No food. And you're stuck in whatever cantina you manage to escape to.

You do whatever work comes your way. (I used to bullseye wamprats in my T-16...)

You rely on anyone who is still talking to you.

A trigger happy rogue with his own starship. (Han shoots Greedo...first)

A strange old man who may or may not have killed your father.

3PO too...if you're desperate.

Bottom line...until you find out who burned you...only place you're going...is Dagobah.

(by RainGod)

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